30

I have had a lovely spring. My health has been constantly stable and positive for months overall and I've had the opportunity to do little things that make me feel I'm living my life still.

Most recently (frankly, I have the memory of a goldfish and can probably only go back maybe a month at best) I turned 30 surrounded by a small group of family and friends at my parents house. I had wished for a backyard barbeque, but the weatherman let me down and we were rained into the house. Still, we had chicken and sweet potato fries, a gorgeous cake specially-designed with a few of my faves (colour, flower), a wonderfully touching suprise of a professional photo of the kids in my life, my nephews and neice, all together, and countless more spoils that I couldn't possibly deserve.

My husband had two weeks off this spring as well, which always intimidates me because it means for two weeks I have to go without my couch-naps (we live in a very small place with no doors... so its difficult to find quiet and space). Lucky for me, hubby loves golf and spent a good amount of time doing exactly that, but we still managed to do a few interesting things together like travel to the U.S and niagara falls, the drive-in movies, etc.

Transplant of course drifts in and out of my head, muted but there. Ive recently had a new symptom that has plagued me a week out of each of the last two months (love being a woman.. NOT) and if I see it one more time I'm going to have to get concerned that my lungs are crying out for a change..
The worst thing about CF is how different everyone is. How unpredictable the course of it is. It never becomes acceptable.

When I came to write this new blog post, I caught a glimpse of a blog I used to read called "CFhusband". Tricia Lawrensons amazing triumphs over low lung function pregnancy, high risk transplant, and cancer have been a source of strength for me. Today, however, I found her in yet another position of fragility facing heavy-duty organ rejection. It saddened me to say the least. One of the big issues especially with people like myself who struggle to make the leap to listing for transplant, is whether or not its wise to subject myself to negative stories and outcomes. I've always been of the mindset that there is no sense fooling yourself about anything, and the best kind of positive attitude comes from a realistic place. That said, I no longer read CF blogs and search for new ones and topics I wonder about. I follow my select few friends blogs to support them, but I know whats going on with them anyways. I feel I have closed the door on my phase of exploration, for the best.

Everything has a reason I believe, and maybe theres something in the Lawrensons' next chapter that I should see.. because I am back reading and praying for them now.