6 Months listed is coming up.
I think back to that first day that I signed the paperwork putting me on the transplant list. How much I physically shook after the surgeon told us they have had to chase the signee down the hall when lungs came available that quickly. I think about how I jumped out of my shoes the first time the cell phone rang.. it may have been that day. I think it was. On the ride home. It was all such a different time and in hindsight so ridiculous.
Now I feel stale. I feel like Ive ran through every stage of thought process around waiting. Resistant, reluctant, indifferent, distracted, content, eager, tired.. I feel like I don't belong waiting anymore. I realize there's people who wait double, triple the time I have. I can't ever understand that. It's not that I'm desperate really.. it's not that kind of terrifying feeling of 'I won't survive much longer". Not at all. It's just a worn down day-in, day-out difficulty of dragging around chains mentally and physically. I want to be looking up a staircase out of the dark, not down an eternal tunnel.
It's hard to fathom that this mental torture would be eased simply by everyone being on board with organ donation. So simple. Makes me all the more grateful for those that are. Knowing the gift I will be given is not only literally precious, but that special people make it possible at all.
Based on my history, I can feel pretty confident this will be my last blog post before I get my lungs. It's been two weeks since I got my first call saying they had found a match for me (donor didn't work out in the end). There will be social media presence elsewhere before this is next updated.
