I can hardly believe its been 2 weeks since my last post, 6 since I was called with the transplant news, and that my sister is halfway through her pregnancy. All of a sudden, time can't go slow enough for me.. and its flying because I don't want it to.
I have moved forward with steps to cure my anxiety, if that's possible. I'm skeptical, because I have the most active mind of any I swear. I wish I could trade it away. I started some meds that were supposed to work immediately to suppress the anxiety. They did nothing in any way, negative or positive.. and then after 5 days of taking them I was called by my nurse who suggested we switch over to the "real" drugs (without even knowing these weren't working) because they take a month to work. I also have an appt with the anxiety doctor in just over a week, so it will be good to already be into the meds so that we can be efficient when we discuss my treatment.
After recently managing to avoid my husbands cold (woo hoo!), I started the new meds. They wean on, starting at a low dose and gradually increasing to the optimum dose. The first day I experienced strong, unrelenting headaches, nausea, lack of appetite and fatigue. I was frustrated and upset because I knew if this lasted any amount of time it would affect my physical health since I couldnt' even do physio or move off the couch.. and hadn't eaten in 24 hours. I was worried that I was trapped in this loop of mentally being destroyed in order to be physically okay. Thankfully, it eased up fairly quickly and I'm now left with morning nausea, fatigue, and still the loss of appetite... Sounds like a lot, but I can push through this somewhat and I am hopeful it will lessen still.
There's not a lot more to report. This issue is bigger than any other right now, and as spring approaches, I am hoping with everything that I can go back to normal and stay that way very very soon.
I hope you can get back to your more normal Spring process soon too, let's remain positive and press on.
ReplyDeleteI too experience lots of "living in my head". I've been struggling a lot lately with depression and just the overall feeling that I'm going crazy. I hate it. I get anxious too. It's tough. I hope you find a good balance soon between mind and body. You mentioned in an earlier blog that you felt guilty for being a little relieved about more time before being listed, well, don't feel guilty. You need to take your time and if it's the right thing FOR YOU, it may just click one day and you will say "I'll do it". You still may not feel ready (you may NEVER feel ready) but it will feel right. It's such a hard choice. I'm still struggling with it. Please know that my words are just meant to help and I speak mostly from how I feel and that I would never push you (or anyone) into transplant because I'm not even sure about it myself. I still get hesitant when the phone rings and a part of me says "please don't let that be them", even though I've made up my mind to do it. For ME it's right, but I don't feel ready. If that makes sense. Stay strong my friend.
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