New Life

This floating decision of when to list has its claws in me. I'm suffocated by it while still finding sources of denial strong enough to let me have a good time some of the time. Thank God for the survival instinct of the mind/body.

I've found such comfort in my home routine. Too much? Maybe. I spend the whole day managing a treatment schedule and fitting in things that feel 'useful' like say.... paying bills, emptying the dishwasher, or looking into if Apple will grant me all my songs back from my grape juice soaked ipod (they will)..

Today became a scheduled coffee date with old coworkers. I call them my "labbies" because we worked in a lab together before I left 3 years ago for CF reasons. I love them. They, interestingly, both don't have facebook. A fact that maybe is a big deal, or isnt', but to me it is because I get all of my outside world info from there. From there I try and help people. From there I have ups and downs and laugh at peoples jokes and share their lives and mine. Right now I can't seem to update my status about my outing because it feels silly. I'm being reminded of what life was before being this sick and homebound.

After 4 hours at a coffee shop, I feel drained. Headache, frequently coughing, thirsty (despite my hot chocolate from there) and weak. I did not wear my oxygen, but I brought it in labbie #1's car when I was picked up... for comfort. I worried about becoming anxious, as I do almost always now when going out. I wasn't sure if my excitement at seeing them would overcome it. It didn't, but I masked it as best I could and got over it quicker than usual.

Labbie #2 is pregnant. So is everyone else around me. That's why I called this post "new life". They get babies, I get lungs. We all get the same thing sort of.. but of course I'd trade in a millisecond. I want children so bad.

I still have gotten nowhere with my listing plan. Nowhere except that the doc's and I have agreed that at the very least, I must get a handle on my anxiety before I sign. I think this is the only way, and yet as proud and proactive as this new choice has felt, I know that theres' a part of me that celebrates simply because the earliest anxiety appt I could get was March.. and that means more time without being listed. I'm ashamed of feeling that way. I want to be brave and eager.

I suspect that spring is going to bring more and more confirmation that life is not what it used to be.. I need that. I need to see it often so that I can't deny anything anymore.