Role reversal

So the oxygen-at-home thing is a couple weeks old now. I've been all over the map with it. Indifferent, contemplative, upset, angry, scared, etc etc etc. . I didn't expect so much out of something I requested myself (and for exercise alone). Regardless, I wear it when I do my wii fit or my exercise bike. I wore it once walking my dog in the park, and once speed-walking in the mall. I find I feel different about it depending on who I'm with, not so much how many strangers I'm around. With my mom and sister I don't really care about wearing it, I feel safe and strong and like I'm doing good for myself. With my husband its a bit different. I feel like a burden, and like I don't want to be seen publicly with him and with O2 because it makes his life appear less 'normal' at 27 years old... He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to mind at all. He is the one who encourages me to bring it everywhere and anywhere we have to walk. I'm a lucky girl is all I know. I've just got to work on my own perspective.

This oxygen thing has got me thinking overly about transplant too. I worry a little more, and everything relates in my mind to 'what if I'm listed at that time..' whenever I'm thinking about any kind of distant plans. You would think this would have been plaguing me for longer than this, and I guess it was but it's emphasized now. It will never be easy to make the transition to 'waiting for a transplant' but I'm grateful to get some sort of acceptance over with mentally. I guess its just how I like to do things, in steps.

Finally, my grandmother has been having some heart problems as of late especially. Tonight I went to visit her in the hospital. Its been a really long time since I visited anyone else in the hospital. I had been avoiding it her last few admissions (for obvious reasons) but felt it was time to show my support, carefully. There was something extremely powerful about being the visitor instead of the visitee. Its like I needed that for myself. Maybe because of the recent implications that things are on a downturn for me, or maybe just because it made me feel like I could do something a little more helpful and important with my time while Mike's at work. It was a win-win for Gramma and me, and I hope (but doubt) she felt as refreshed and positive as I did after our visit.