6 Weeks Later

I didn't think I'd still be waiting. When you're scared of the call you think it's coming fast, when you want it you think it's coming slow.

I know this, because now I want it wholeheartedly.

No longer do I feel guilty when I forget I'm waiting for the call and I relax and get lost in an activity. I am at ease completely with things. The call has become a welcome visitor in an otherwise unpleasant day. I still occasionally think "oh.. now would be a bad time, because I'm tired/hungry/sick" but ultimately I'm not going to feel great when the call comes, so who cares? I kinda just want it to happen when I'm not deep asleep at night. But you know, that desire is like wishing for a certain-gender baby. It's kind of wrong to even let it grace your thoughts amid such a potential gift.

I make plans without flinching half a week ahead now. I guess it plays in that the Ontario Trillium site shows that since I've been listed, maybe 4 people with my blood type have disappeared from the list (optimistic assumption: received lungs). It's super slow-going. I guess it always is, I just didn't CARE before like I do now. I've reached the point where I want to start an organ donation campaign. One of the clever ones that gets attention. Not easy amidst morning headaches, i.v. schedules, naps, hospital appointments, attempts at proper nutrition, etc. A couple more days of waiting, though, and I will start brainstorming.

Bottom line, I'm tired of this. I used to think "well, if I dont do well through transplant, I need to maximize and enjoy this potential end of my life. Each day being a blessed extra one" but this is no life. I have suddenly gained the ability to see the positive and negative stories of transplantees and only believe the good ones will be me. That's huge considering I'm a foot-stomping realist at heart. Self-preservation really does come natural.

Here's to a January gift to let me briefly sleep and then improve while the weather outside is frightful. I envision the spring full of gratitude and improvements and everything literally and figuratively coming up roses.