Listed for lungs- What I didn't expect

I think I can start off my list of things I didn't expect with the desire to write down my thoughts in the blog again. I thought the facebook page would satisfy me, but it turns out that I don't want to drivel on and on and have it appear on everyones feed every day. So perhaps this is the start of some therapeutic public journalling again. 

I've been listed for transplant just a short 3/4 days now. I'm not really sure which day to count as day 1, so I called the signing day "1" since in theory I could've been called immediately after my name was written. The surgeon told me stories where that actually happened, so I was terrified as I left on Monday. Bless that wheelchair I am carted around in. I don't think I could've walked after that information. I really didn't expect that I would mark down and count the waiting days at all. But, alas. I am.

I didn't know I'd check the trillium gift of life waiting list every day.. or... you know, hour. 

I definetly didn't expect to have zero actual panic attacks in the past 3/4 days but instead a tremendous amount of jitteryness (as if Id drank 6 pots of coffee) and stress. When I do somehow manage to slip into my normal routine and calm down, inevitably I remember what could happen at any time and I berate myself for forgetting because I think I need to be "ready". Whatever that means. I compare it to when someone you love dies, and you laugh too soon after and you feel like that's completely inappropriate for you to be enjoying yourself. I feel like that. I can't allow myself to enjoy relaxation. I need to fix this immediately or I'm going to get sick. 

I didn't expect to feel good the first day of transplant physio, and to kind of love it. All the good feelings are subtle, but I think its because for once in my life torturous exercise feels like it has a purpose and an endpoint. No more exercising to desperately claw to my current level of health (and fail, because.. thats CF). Now I fight to hurry up and get as strong as I can to bounce back well from surgery. I fight knowing that anytime now I could be briefly (I hope!) bedridden and then exercising to IMPROVE for the first time in my whole life. This is a source of stress for me too, though... as I am now praying the call waits a little bit. Just long enough for me to condition myself a bit. I just wasn't motivated until it was this late unfortunately.

With so much to say with so little of this journey accomplished... Im sure another post is soon to follow.