Fall Again

Life's inevitable change is scary, sad and exciting all in one. Recently we had a rather large one in that my husbands job went from steady afternoons to steady dayshift. These new hours are unbelievably strange for us, and for me, harder to adjust to than I thought.

The excitement which came with the new opportunities (dinner with husband, getting CF stuff done alone and feeling better for my first encounter with husband of the day, ability to join my mom at the mall weekly, access to the occasional nighttime family events) has dimmed significantly in the not-yet 2 weeks that we've had it. That said, its wonderful to have this for the next 8 months and then meet at another unknown crossroads. It brings something to my life in particular that was a little bit missing in the recent past.. an unknown that isnt too scary (like my health).

Lately Ive sort of embraced two things I think. One is being twelve again.. My favourite age. I'm letting myself enjoy little whims, like buying a pair of mice and even considering breeding them once for fun.. with a male.. they are female. It wasn't a thought-out plan.. it was just something that happened. It might be an outlet for my constant desire for motherhood.. another creature to care for. Especially since my dog only really proves to me further how I am not strong enough to care for something (I can't walk him comfortably/at all primarily because hes an aggressively energetic dog). I really think thats part of it. These mice I can fully care for and feel accomplished..

Another thing I think happened subconsciously, is recently I felt I had a bit of a break in my anxiety symptoms. I can't be sure why, but I think buying the mice was my own way of saying "ok, im doing a little better.. im gonna take on more". That and I am not sure if I will want to have rodents ever after transplant, and so I'm "getting it out of my system". Regardless, its a new thing, and I like new things. I've also been honing my skills in the dealfinding department. Not even just deals.. Ive found ways to buy and sell a couple times that make me feel like I have a business sense. Id like to explore that area more too.. for my mental health now, and maybe a viable career direction in the future.

I'm walking into fall in the same place healthwise. I had appointments with both hospitals pretty close recently and things are stable as always, and I'm setting my focus on getting to at least february without anything major happening. Every year my goal is simply to not need listing at the worst time of year. Thats it. My docs wise advice. Of course its impossible to guarantee, but theres no harm in trying.