August feels so different. There's this new baby nephew of mine, who I'm loving. There's more babies and plans on the way this month.. showers, birthdays, busy busy. I'm starting my new agenda/journal thing.. I remember starting them every September in school and pledging to write neater and be more organized. Then there's the ever-present transplant.
The reality-check of CF oddly enough hits me (us?) over and over, but right now it hits harder. Seeing my baby sister get to move ahead of me with her gorgeous child, while wonderful, is hard. Don't get me wrong, I most certainly don't mind that she's first to have this. In fact, I love it. She's always second, as most second-children are (to reach milestones, and in our case, to marry) and I think its cool for once she gets to have something first. BUT... because she's younger, I can't just shrug off the symbolism.. I can't tell myself "its her time now, and mine later" and move on... because I am older, because Mike and I wouldve wanted kids fairly fast if things were different (because we want to be young with them, and because I'm like every other woman with a ticking biological clock). For these reasons her mommyhood symbolizes for the first time in my entire life, that I'm different and broken.
CF is fantastic for that, really though.. I mean we are lucky that for the most part and thanks to research we CAN live normal lives. I'm thrilled to have gotten to go to school, to date and marry, to work.. I am forever grateful and wouldn't change my life. I know I got a lot more than so many others get. And when I get sad, I've been remembering something lately. My sister was born to be a mom. I wasn't. It's very true. She had dolls and loved children and babies ALWAYS. Me? Not so much. I always pictured myself with kids, like most people do, but I didn't long for them like she did. I longed for love. A fairytale one. And as I find life goes, you get what you need, not what you "want". It was when I fell in love that wanting children began. I wanted to bring our love to life. Sorry, want, present-tense.
I'm not 100% done with hope. I'm really not. I'm just the type who likes to be okay with life, no matter what it gives me. And that's what I'm working through right now. Because I know I'm lucky, no matter what the future holds. I'm lucky and I'm happy. There's still surrogacy, and adoption, if things for me go well. Which brings me to transplant... I have officially met my goal of seeing my nephew born before listing. I'm very proud of that and he is worth the moments I've had already. It doesn't make big choices any easier. Somedays I long to list and move on and have my chance to breathe and feel free. Other days I want to wait as long as I possibly can, knowing the uncertain future that transplant provides. I can promise you one thing, I doubt I'll blog about this again. I have no more reason to wait except following my gut and the guidance of the doctor's. No more reason to research, to plan. I'm "ready". I know what is ahead, its just gonna come when it comes, and that's how it has to be.
Happy 29th birthday today to my fabulously supportive husband who is always willing to ride this rollercoaster with me, who gets stronger everyday, makes me prouder every day, and makes me believe that we have a purpose, together, that hopefully isn't fulfilled for a long, long time.
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