Fight of our lives

I wrote this over a week ago, and a new one tonight.. but ive had some trouble with my browser.. so now that ive figured it out, here it is:



I think about transplant everyday. Today's angle finds me beyond the (petty?) fears that hold me back from listing. I'm thinking almost as if I have already done it. Bizarre.

I was mentally trying to pre-arrange some of what's to come. Today, if I can find my coordinators email, I am going to try and set up getting done any vaccines I may need to get before listing. Also any dental work, etc. Beyond this, I was realizing I should really get set in stone who is going to take me to the 3x a week physio, when and how. I know it can be done, but I'm realizing how much of an undertaking this whole part will be. Even for a healthy person it would be.. but add in doing this at the sickest and hardest part of your life. Its a wonder any of us get to the surgery, let alone thrive afterwards.

I also begin to understand the people I was told about during assessment. I see how some misguided souls feel that after all of this work, they are owed a "normal" life. I see how it could be easy for the reckless to think, "I don't want to take antirejection meds, or follow the guidelines of what to avoid.. afterall, look what I did to get here?". I feel pain for those people suddenly, instead of chuffing at them as I did during assessment. I rolled my eyes just 2 months ago and said to my coordinator, "don't worry about me, I can guarantee you I won't be one of those morons". I still won't, but today I feel like those words were extremely and unforgivably cruel. **sidenote: I'm pretty sure I didn't actually say 'morons', but the implication was there**

I also understand my stress even more. My anxiety. In a way, today was about forgiving myself. I'm being pushed everywhich way lately on 'to list, or not to list'. Mostly to list, and I'm grateful for the friends that are guiding me to be strong and to plan for the scary cliff that is probably closer than it appears. Your coaching, paired with my lifelong sense of duty (and hopefully a pinch of luck) will be what gets me to the other side. xoxo