I've written 1 or 2 new blogposts since my last. I can't seem to finish them. These spells of iv's followed by crashing right back down to where I was pre-ivs are taking their toll on me. I think I would do better to not go in at all. There was a time when I would think/say that simply because I didn't like the hassle. I can handle all of the hassle now. All of it. Even missing my hubby, as hard as it is.. for the greater good to have ultimately more time with him.. I can do it. But thats just not how it works. I seem to only lose time.
To top it off, having the completion of my assessment looming is becoming harder than I anticipated. I was and am looking forward to having it "complete". I will rest easier knowing that if I have a quick downfall I can be listed quickly. What disturbs me, though.. is going into this lower than I had expected and hoped. I'm scared they are going to want me listed now. I'm scared of how everyone, and especially I, would deal with that. I'm sure all of this is very common, and I know its eventual.. but I just don't know how I'll get by with the whole process of waiting, or, conversely... If I get to wait, and then get super super sick like some of my friends have suddenly.. I don't know how I'll deal with THAT.. I really don't know which option I'd rather have...And that is the bottom line of how I feel. Trapped between two terrible options.
Anyone who's had anxiety issues knows its hard. But I think the ultimate is having anxiety about being sick, when you ARE sick.. thats frustrating. I've always been logical and scientific in my thought processes, and when I'm feeling short of breath, or my hearts racing, or i feel weak or want to faint.. i can't separate CF from fear. The only clear scientific evidence I have is that these feelings occur more outside of my home than inside. They do happen here, just way less. Which proves at least 50% of it is in my head. I've officially decided to plead my case to my doctor and see what she can offer me. I only hope I am not treated like a crazy person, or someone who is "sad" or "depressed". I LOVE my life.. In fact, I love it so much, it breaks my heart that I'm losing it piece by piece.. and SCARES me.. Its all fear here, and its all about CF. I really hope theres something really good that can be done.
Finally, with all this going on in my head, we've got Christmas. The most magical and most stressful holiday of them all. Some of my worst skills are exercised at this time of year. Buying people meaningful gifts (on time), going out in crowds, bridging the gap between families and having little nit picky fights about things that really shouldn't matter. I'm praying the best will overshadow the hard this Christmas season.. I have tons to be grateful for, tons to look forward to, and a beautiful family to share it all with. I just have to focus on that, and that alone.
All those feelings you're havig are very normal Michelle. I remember not being able to seperate emotional issues when I was sick and actually being sick. What I do know however, is that my anxiety went away 100% once I was no longer sick. So don't be hard on yourself. You are not 'crazy' or highly emotional, or any of those things that after a while you come to believe about yourself. You are someone dealing with a level of physical and emotional stress that most people your age simply do not. Heck, most people of any age don't deal with.
ReplyDeleteAll this honey, every single bit of it, is CF. A year and a month after tx and I still learn something new about myself that had been hidden by fear and anxiety for those sick years. What you have to do now Michelle is know that, and don't let it take you away from the path that you are on. this is just simply a part of it, but there is an end.
Get that assessment complete and be ready for whatever has to happen next. No matter what, you will handle it perfectly. It will come as it should and you will do as you should.
Really hoping that 2011 is a big step in that journey for you, whatever it may be.
Nat