Rutsville thanks to a September cold

Sometimes I fantasize that things will take a sudden change. That a miracle will occur and all of a sudden, with every physio, cough and walk, I'll get better. It won't be instant. Much more realistic than that. I'll go to clinic and find myself 4 or 5% higher. It will feel flukey and I'll smile the whole day and wake up smiling the next.

I'll feel a little more upbeat and energetic, and will, as a result, do a little more with my days. Hubby and I will wake up a little earlier (mainly because I'll suddenly feel like I'm getting too much sleep) and go to a few more places before work. I'll always happily drive him, so that I have the car. The gas will start being used up just a little bit faster as I find myself making up little projects to do during the work hours. Making a scrapbook, starting Christmas shopping early, painting the bathroom.

I'll start reaching out to available friends more and feeling restless when I'm simply alone and doing laundry or dishes. My facebook will have less action and people will notice. As clinic comes to pass again I'm up another 7% lung function. I'll cry a few tears of shock and awe and sit, mouth-open as I realize that something is going on for real.

I love dreaming this dream. I imagine my life after the transformation has taken place. They want to study my Cf and figure out why the spontaneous rebirth. I itch to be the dumb teenager I never was, but resist knowing that I must cherish and respect my unbelievable luck. I go back to work, chipper as hell, determined to show my grumpy coworkers that life is worth celebrating, as long as you have the health to live it. Being me, a part of me will always worry that it will reverse itself once again, but I recognize that worry is a useless emotion that only steals time and I quash it in every way I can manage.

I need this dream today. I feel down. I feel like I don't know what I'm aiming at and hoping for. I've had a cold for a week and my throat hurts. Thats nothing really. I'm grateful my lungs still feel okay, and my coughing and sniffeling are not too bad. I'm not sleeping well, however. This is getting to me. I woke up today dreaming of any better future, and I couldn't. CFs' day-to-day issues are immense at this lung function. I want a more rewarding marriage. For him and for me. But mostly for him. I want to fly off somewhere and walk in the sun for hours without oxygen or breathing problems. I wanna dream of a child. Make it a reality? Plan for a longer term stable future. Oh how 10% could give me so much... At least if I had the hope of a future that was better... but transplant doesnt excite me. I know theres so much hanging over your head with transplant. My friends tell me. And if thats your only problem you're in the very lucky percentage. .. sigh.