Channelling

Frustration can channel well. Sadness is much harder. And then theres those of us who let it all run away and run over us and no matter how small it started out, that snowball is flying down the mountain hitting anything and everything in its path.

I got a bed as you might've guessed. It was the cruelest way of finding out. On Friday I called at my usual noontime to see what was available, knowing full-well that if I was "free" that day, I was free alllll weekend. I knew it would be at least a little beautiful if that happened. I called, they instantly and assuredly said "oh no.. no beds today and its not looking good for the weekend.". I even made sure to follow that answer up with "So... should I keep calling on the weekend or now do I assume that there basically is no admitting me until Monday?" and she said "oh no don't call, but of course if something drastically changes on the weekend we will call you". I hung up, sure of my answer and told Mike with a complete dead look on my face. Mike raised his hand for a high five and with a smile said, "Yes! Thats great baby, right? the whole weekend together.". I must've known.. My face remained the same and I half-heartedly returned the high-five and instantly the phone rang.

Mike picks it up, sees "unkown caller" and says "its your dad". Again, my face is straight. I'm psychic I swear. "Hello??"
"Hi.. Michelle? This is Sarah from the ward again"
"yeah"
"we actually DO have a bed for you today"

Urg. Cruel. Anyways. Flash forward a few sad days to me being mostly emotionless and stable. I'm irked by having a roommate, and a few more seemingly avoidable annoyances, but at the same time they are distracting. I hate that I'm so dependent on my home routine. I'm kind of like my dog that way. I guess its mostly because I actually DONT like my routine. I do really not much. But I cherish it like you cherish your last day. I love being with my husband and the little things we do together make every moment of the day important. I hate chores, but I do them for us. It has become part of who I am now. Part of what defines me. Chores are a heck of a better definition than CF. Thats the difference between now and before. CF is such a major part of my life now that by comparison, anything feels good and satisfying.

I'm trying to not think of whats ahead this week. I'm anticipating a vague, gray-area lung function whenever they do it. I don't like the combo they picked for me. That's why. I don't know what I'll do if my lung function is "ok". I want mind blowing. That would almost be worth it. Thing is, I really don't know if thats possible. I think the time I stayed in here a month on this combo ruined me a little. I'm not sure why they didn't just switch the combo that time. Heck, I was having such a good time that admission they could've switched me and kept me another two weeks! That was the time to learn what was "possible" with a little persistence. Now its harder. Now I am risking "wasting" time every time I add time or try something new. Granted, I'm getting the reward of a potentially beautiful lung function (relative to what I'm used to for 3 years) but even that is hard to appreciate. The cruel facts of CF and how life goes post-antibiotics mess with my brain. Mind would need a rocket-powered pogo-stick to get over THAT matter.

Will search my soul for how to channel how I feel about CF and this place in a better way. How to somehow focus on the short term end goal every. single. time. A week here is two more weeks /months/ years out there. Theres never a way of proving it so why not. I need to BELIEVE that. So so badly...