Opening a window

So the CF world doesn't want to stay kind for more than a few weeks at a time and its draining (I had even partially written this post a week ago and today there has been new tragedy--ill get to that). I've made some big decisions lately that will require me to re-shift my focus and find joy and inspiration in new things. That scares me because in a way, I feel I've never been in this position before. I'm being really cryptic, so let me explain.



All my life I feel like fate has handed me a "backup" for every loss I've had to endure. Maybe backup isn't the right word. But it is essentially equivalent to the saying "When God closes a door, he opens a window". Two strong examples stand out in my mind. I have vacationed at the same summer lodge for the past 16 or so years with my family. Same July week, same friendly faces around me each year there. As a teen, I loved it so much that when we came home, I once made a shrine to the place on my bedroom door. Pictures, cut-outs, souveniers, you name it.



I got my first full-time job in July 2005. Lucky for me, they allowed me to start work the week after this vacation. The following year, I was still the new guy so I was told my week was taken, and I was crushed. However, 2 months before this I had started dating the man who would eventually become my husband. His presence in my life that week eased my pain and I got through it, when nothing else would have worked. The following year, I was able to go again.



The next time this phenomenon occured was when I was hospitalized for 6 weeks in winter 2008. I had to stop working, and as my time off progressed, I realized that this was going to need to be forever. I mourned my coworkers and life-purpose at first. But, during that winter stay, I met a handful of CF friends and made memories that changed my life. I've mentioned this before. Recently, I've made the decision to 100% recognize that I need to control what I can and no longer see my CF friends in person. It's been a long road to this point, and yet one I feel I had to travel to get here.

Since I made this choice myself, and "closed" the proverbial door.. I've also decided that its up to me to help open the window. Despite how little I really see my CF friends (this entire year has seen 6 occasions--and 3 of those were funerals and the CF walk), I feel I rely on it alot for getting through the tough times. I could go on forever about this (I won't because its a very sore subject--beware commenters), but what I'm really looking for is a new angle again. One step I have taken is to reunite (reach out) to an old friend with whom I parted ways with in an angry way about 3 years ago. It's gone well so far, and I hope to dream up even more new ideas to get me through the hardest part of this life change.

My mind is all over the place, but I'd also like to thank my sister for starting a weight-loss blog and renewing my inspiration to continue my own blog. Please feel free to visit her over at http://gaininggougeon.blogspot.com and offer your support.

Finally, I'd like to shout out to my late friend Rolly, who passed away early this morning. He was the first CF friend I ever met and spent real time with. He made my first admission (ever) much more bearable, and helped ease my serious and irrational fears of iv's etc by singing and talking to me in my room till 2am at night while in there in December 2005. Rest in Peace, buddy.